"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. I love deadlines. About Reporting on what you care about. Enjoy it before it melts. "So this is my life until I win the lottery. And I also know that I'm not blonde." Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias, 43. Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls, 46. Question:Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer: To prove to the opossum that it could be done. And guess what? "Life is pleasant. Eclipse it. Not only will you receive praise for introducing an amazing team building activity, but youll also get plenty of fun facts you can use to laugh with (and maybe at) your teammates. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Interested in a content partnership? 14) When in doubt, mumble. A: The same qualities that make a standard joke funny make an icebreaker joke funny. 3. My foot. What has five toes but isn't your foot? What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller, 28. 97. Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. "I don't care what they say about me. If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money? Whats motivating you to get out of bed instead of hitting the snooze button for the seventh time? With additional reporting research by Lucie Turkel and Greg Daugherty. An office is a place where dreams come true." One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that ones work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell, 8. 88. "Life will be boring AF if you never mess up.". I can sit and look at it for hours. Roses are red, violets are blue; white wine costs less than a dinner for two. 36. My favorite time on the clock is 6:30, hands down. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day. Robert Frost, 20. Seriously Awesome Gifts For Coworkers Pam Beesly, The Office, 38. The wife says that yes, he could. Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. "Don't take life so seriously, you will not get out alive." - Elbert Hubbard 3. Copyright Entertainism & Buzzle.com, Inc. To prove he wasnt a chicken. "Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it. 27. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for . Witty one liners means instant laughs. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, 57. 1. 37. Our child has a great deal of willpowerand even more wont power. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. She kept running away from the ball. - Anonymous, "Life is like a box of chocolates." -, "Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart." He had skeletons in his closet. "Albert Einstein, 16. "By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.". "Life really does begin at forty. You must believe your joke is funny if you hope others will find it funnykind of like you (hopefully) wouldnt use pick up lines that have no chance of at least earning a wry smile. Report. "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr, 16. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. -. What do you call a hippies wife? 45. 69. Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong. Winston Churchill, 37. Now quiet! You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Unknown, 44. "I've had great success being a total idiot. Eleanor Roosevelt, 26. I dont know, but its flag is a big plus! (Best Life). Its not stroganoff. 19. Handcrafted in Los Angeles. While being motivating and inspiring are the top of the list qualities that come to mind first, another important characteristic is the ability to be funny, witty, and clever in stuck up situations. These interesting quotes on being clever are divided into these sections; Dont raise your voice, improve your argument. Unknown, Work hard in silence, let success make the noise. Frank Ocean clever quotes, Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes. Edgard Varse quotes about cleverness, Clever tyrants are never punished. Voltaire. Online Accessibility Statement, Pricing I asked her why she drew the eyebrows that high and she seems surprised! So each is inevitably disappointed." 4. I wanted to make a joke about leeches, but it sucked. A polar bear. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is. One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together and be called: YouTwitFace . You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany. Funny one liners for dating sites. They just wash up on shore. 16. The first five days after the weekend are the toughest. Anonymous, 40. 18. "I love mankind it's people I can't stand!! A new wine has been made for cats. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Life is a long lesson in humility. J.M. 67. "Lucille Ball, 42. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Because, really, nothings better than a big belly laugh to start your week off right. 95 Entrepreneur Quotes For Business Motivation & Success! Whos there? Go ahead and underestimate me. Steven Wright. People say I'm condescending. The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter. Be nice to your kids. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. If you can fake that, you've got it made. -, "Light travels faster than sound. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. Why was six afraid of seven? Dam! 80. I sympathize with batteries. Silence is golden. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. Ingratiate yourself to your tight-knit audience by opening with a little humor. Every moment is a fresh beginning. T.S Eliot, 80. Let us know in the comment section below. When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you. Put the best pick-up lines you were too lazy jokes that one liners for dating one. The morning after, Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him. 34. Insanely Fun Team Building Activities for Work, Fun Virtual Team Building Activities 26. One liner tags: people, puns. 14. What do you call a bear with no teeth? US residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data. Some men say they dont wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. A: Icebreaker jokes are always appropriate to tell at work. Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done. Peter Drucker, 24. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." 66. 85 Muhammad Ali Quotes Words Of The Greatest Champion, 50 Generational Wealth Quotes To Inspire You To Create A Legacy, 50 Daddys Little Girl Quotes For The Best Father Daughter Love, 110 Saturday Vibes Quotes For A Good Weekend. These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever and witty. You can even source a complete bank of surprising and hilarious facts about your teammates using Water Cooler Trivia. A receding hare line. First impressions matter, and wed like to say nobodys judging you, but you know, theyre certainly paying attention to you. Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson, 19. Life is not a fairy tale, if you lose your shoe at midnight, youre drunk. Unknown, 18. 2. We'll see how that works out for you. And that's just in the hot dogs. Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. Rumi, 78. 25. Fun Office Games & Activities for Employees, Best Employee Engagement Software Platforms For High Performing Teams [HR Approved], Insanely Fun Team Building Activities for Work, The Best Employee Recognition Software Platforms, Corporate Gift Ideas Your Clients and Customers Will Love, Make an audience feel a stronger sense of, Release endorphins and calm anger for more productive debates, Plays on the human love of detecting discrepancies by illustrating a generally harmless mistake, misunderstanding, or departure from the norm. All the time. Funny One Liners. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it." Mindy Kaling 2. Looking for inspirational quotes about being clever? Its a filibuster. "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Privacy Policy. Your email address will not be published. It was here first." Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? Edgar Bergen, 11. Life is accepting what is and working from that. Gloria Naylor, 43. What do you call a steak thats been knighted by the queen? 3. Your life is your message. Gandhi, 13. 1) I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. Theyve been treating me like one of the family, and Ive put up with it for as long as I can. When we do it or inspire it in others, it can feel like magic, and like magic, laughter can be similarly mysterious and elusive. Stay up and fight. Do not walk beside me, either. . . ~ Tallulah Bankhead, "Never argue with a woman when she's tiredor when she's rested. Everyones eyes glaze over before youve even warmed up. "Zig Ziglar, 99. How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? When I say I am a bad electrician somebody gets shocked and my community still wonders why. 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? "Jim Halpert, The Office, 91. the claustrophobic astronaut? Model that is, live the behavior you want others to practice. Mario Morino, 58. "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. What do you call a mobster whos buried in cement? However, we do have a wealth of theories and insights that can help you create, tell, or at least better understand the magic of jokes. "Joan Rivers, 44. Man invented the alarm clock. Pablo Picasso, 6. Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up! Life truly is what we make it, so if we have a choice, why not make it fun. My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved. Experienced interviewers and presenters have learned that rapport can make a potentially average interaction fruitful. Thats the perfect counterbalance to life. James Branch Cabell, 9. Intelligence is like an underwear. As I have gotten older and wiser, I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job: payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays and, of course, retirement. Tom Goins(new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=38cf8a01-c7b4-4a61-a61b-8c0be6528f20&cid=877050e7-52c9-4c33-a20b-d8301a08f96d'; cnxps.cmd.push(function () { cnxps({ playerId: "38cf8a01-c7b4-4a61-a61b-8c0be6528f20" }).render("6ea159e3e44940909b49c98e320201e2"); }); 2. Best ATS Software These quick-witted and smart quotes, one-liners, status messages, will lighten the air, add humor to your conversations, and will make it easy to break the ice show your fun side too. Was I born in a nest or a hive?. "Isaac Asimov, 18. Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. A happy soul is the best shield for a cruel world. Atticus, 75. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 76. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. But dont worrywe have just the thing for a case of the Mondays: funny work quotes. 227 points. Cheers! A joke that produces laughter in one social group might not work in another. 60 British insults for getting your message across 04/19/2023; 15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers to . So did everyone else on the submarine., 3) Heres a funny fact: Nicolas Cage once purchased an octopus to help him with his acting., 4) You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle), 5) How much does a polar bear weigh? "George Bernard Shaw, 78. 55. "Oscar Wilde, 60. Privacy Policy She said she didnt feel a thing! George Burns, 48. Life. 47. I love my furniture. For even more humorous remarks, check out these funny fortune cookie sayings. It came from sushi recipes., 3) Why do people park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?, 4) Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? (Robin Williams), 5) Nowadays, comedians tell the news and the media tells the jokes., 6) A player asked his golf coach: What is going wrong with my game? The coach replied, Youre standing too close to the ball after youve hit it. (Golf Workout Program), 7) Housework wont kill you. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" "Erma Bombeck, 81. It's inevitable that people will feel awkward trying to make small talk when a loved one dies. Take my advice Im not using it. Unknown, 71. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. And thats just in the hot dogs. "Benjamin Franklin, 30. Think of your three best friends. Whats the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? 60. Tough times never last but tough people do. Robert H. Schiuller, 63. The meaning of life is to give life meaning. Ken Hudgins, 2. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." A rich man is 0ne who isnt afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper. Now that I have children, I understand the scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda is so tired of answering Lukes questions, he just up and dies. (iFunny). Im not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. Franklin D. Roosevelt, 29. Something for everyone interested in hair, makeup, style, and body positivity. Men marry women hoping they will not. How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? "Stanley Hudson, The Office, 3. Why didnt Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? What happens to an illegally parked frog? While humor is no science, some experts, including comedians and scientists, have isolated characteristics that consistently make jokes funny. (Ex: Did you hear about the person who died while opening a window? Probably why I got run over. (Best Life), 6) I cant believe my parents support my choice of profession! "Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls, 47. I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did. A cab. "Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. 1. Weve got hilarious quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, friendship, and many more topics that are oh-so relatable and undeniably clever. "Chastity: The most unnatural of the . I organized a threesome last night. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 15. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? "Life is like a box of chocolates. Why cant you trust an atom? "Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. Michael Scott, The Office, 90. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Until then, lets all keep living our best (and most enjoyable) lives! If reading funny books, funny poems and funny limericks doesnt raise your spirit, check out these funny boss quotes to brighten your day instead. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life Unknown, 11. Opening your meeting with a little humor via icebreaker jokes, even your cheesiest knock-knock jokes or dad jokes, can: Make your meeting life start feeling more like your best life with the icebreaker jokes below. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet.). If I cared, I would have listened the first time. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. "7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.". "As you get older, three things happen. Recent Posts. "It's never too late to have a happy childhood.". We've created informative articles that you can come back to again and again when you have questions or want to learn more! The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence. [Booze], 4) My friend took me to what he said was an escape room. 90% of the things I worry about never happen. ' Don Marquis. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun. He has pills he can take, but he cant get them out of the bottle. 27. She graduated with an individualized major in Comparative Literary and Cultural Studies from the University of Connecticut. Do you have a clever quote you would like to share? Laughter is contagious, after all. Thats okay. Control freak. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". 3. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips, 56. 82. A pun for every season of the year. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. Well, thats the point, isnt it? The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when youre finished. Groucho Marx, 45. 71: One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday - eight hours. "Don't be so humble you are not that great.Golda Meir, 65. Website Accessibility Policy, Exciting Employee Engagement Ideas You can't have a collection of funny life quotes without including some sarcastic sayings. The secret to life is to love who you are warts and all. David DeNotaris, 39. the cow that ate bluegrass and mooed indigo? They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; well, they're not laughing now. the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests? A: Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? is one good icebreaker joke. Don Baird / Getty Images Advertisement 2. Enough to break the iceor your spine for that matter., 6) When I meet women, I immediately start talking about global warming. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. Required fields are marked *. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass." Elbert Hubbard, 6. You know what your boss was trying to say? 83.86 % / 41 votes. Im never included in anything either. Nope. 22. "Garry Shandling, 36. 5. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. 21. I never knew what happiness was until I got marriedand then it was too late. One day the people that dont even believe in you will tell everyone how they met you. Johnny Depp, 77. I changed my password to "incorrect". 101 Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh, Julianne Hough Looks Fierce in a Naked Dress. There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. And, oh boy, is this good. Dwight Schrute, The Office, 22. Life is an adventure and getting wherever you are going is half the fun. Unknown, 31. It was in tents. I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. "Betty White, 61. 70. How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? 100. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese. What do you call Santas helpers? Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. If I want your opinion, Ill ask you to fill out the necessary forms Unknown, 79. "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. Witty one liners are jokes that are delivered in a single line. I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect". Your email address will not be published. .css-2ahkpt{display:block;font-family:Brandon,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:normal;margin-bottom:0.5rem;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-2ahkpt:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.375rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}Julianne Hough Looks Fierce in a Naked Dress, Leann Rimes Shares Video Montage for Anniversary, Crazy Rules 'Jeopardy' Contestants Have to Follow, Watch Kelly Clarkson's Cover of Taylor Swift Song. "Never go to bed mad. "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door. Phyllis Diller, 83. Like Monday through Friday. Anonymous, 36. Go forth on your path, as it exists only through your walking. Augustine of Hippo, 33. Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones? To see a mans true face, look to the photos he hasnt posted. Sometimes, the best part of my job is that the chair swivels. Anonymous, 47. "People say, How you stay looking so young? I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup." "For years, Mock the Week delivered a witty spin on the newsentertaining a broad cross-section of the UK audience through funny conversations, one-liners, and improv comedy. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.Reese Witherspoon, 86. 84.04 % / 304 votes. by Team Scary Mommy. The first slide was my paycheck. Anonymous, 17. Ernest Hemingway, 29. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. One bad chapter does not mean your story is over. No need to repeat. Even if you love your job, it can be difficult to face another daunting workweek.
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witty one liners about life